


A Pantheon of Idiot Nookstains

by whittler_of_words



Series: The Gods That Walk This Earth [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, dave makes accusations and karkat doesn't outright deny them, in which events are recounted, or - Freeform, pesterfic, questions are asked, the epic saga continues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-14
Updated: 2014-01-14
Packaged: 2018-01-08 18:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whittler_of_words/pseuds/whittler_of_words
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How exactly are you supposed to tell your friends that God kept a bunch of assholes beating the shit out of you from being your last moments by personally scaring them off and is now snoring away in your guest bedroom?</p><p>(Who knew that the Knight of Blood snores?)</p><p>There is absolutely no way this can go wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Pantheon of Idiot Nookstains

**Author's Note:**

> The second part to a series of one-shots, the first one not entirely necessary but highly suggested before you start on this one!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] opened memo on board you guys won’t believe this. --

EB: guys guys guys!  
EB: get your butts on here right now.  
EB: something happened i need to tell you guys about.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo. --

GG: hi john!!  
GG: what happened???? :o  
EB: hi jade.  
EB: i’ll tell you when the others get here.  
GG: aww cant you tell me now?   
EB: trust me jade it’s better to wait for dave and rose.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo. --

TG: yo  
TG: whats up egbert  
TG: harley  
GG: hi dave! :D  
TG: whats this i hear about something happening  
EB: it’s a thing that occurred that i’ll tell you about once rose responds.  
TG: sounds interesting  
EB: hehe you have no idea.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo. --

TT: Hello, everyone.  
TT: I trust everything is well, John?  
EB: well, yeah!  
EB: i mean at first it wasn’t okay.  
EB: and then things were really shitty.  
EB: and then sort of confusing?  
EB: but everything’s pretty great now.  
GG: johnathan egbert what do you mean by things being shitty???  
GG: what have you gotten up to now young man!!! >:o  
EB: my names not johnathan.  
EB: jadene.  
GG: >:P  
TG: to be serious tho  
TG: what do you mean by shitty  
TG: theres a wide expanse of things that could be seen as shitty john  
TG: did you lose your keys  
TG: forget to do the chores  
TG: are you moving to someplace far from here  
TG: did someone die  
TG: so you might want to expand on that  
TT: I agree with Dave.  
TT: John, what happened, and should we be worried about it?  
EB: no!  
EB: well…  
EB: maybe?  
GG: john >:(  
EB: it’s just hard to explain, okay.  
EB: you guys might not even believe me for one.  
EB: and for two i’m sort of confused about what’s gonna happen after this.  
TG: for two  
TG: is that even a thing  
EB: yes.  
EB: because i said it.  
EB: shut up.  
GG: john!!!!!!!  
EB: okay, sorry!  
EB: but like i said it’s just really really hard to explain and i’m not sure how to say this.  
TT: Answer me this.  
TT: Is anyone dead?  
EB: no.  
TT: Are you moving away?  
EB: no.  
EB: i mean not that i’m aware of.  
EB: dad didn’t say anything about it so.  
TT: Did you forget to do a chore, or lose your keys?  
EB: hehe, no.  
TT: Are you perhaps changing schools?  
EB: nope.  
TT: Then I’m at a loss as to what to ask you next.  
GG: geeze john just come out and say it!  
GG: how unbelievable can it be??  
GG: how about this i promise i will believe you!  
GG: so there now you have nothing to complain about :P  
TT: I promise I will believe you as well, if it helps.  
TG: yeah me too bro  
TG: you dont have anything to worry about  
TG: you are being serious though right  
TG: this isnt going to be another shitty prank  
EB: HAHA DAVE REAL FUNNY. LOOK AT HOW HARD I AM LAUGHING AT THAT AMAZING JOKE YOU JUST MADE THERE ABOUT THE AWESOME THAT IS MY PRANKSTER’S GAMBIT.  
EB: but no, this isn’t a prank, i swear.  
EB: i am being completely 100 percent serious about this.  
TG: then we dont have a problem houston  
TG: we are ready to launch this rocket ship  
EB: okay.  
EB: oh geeze i don’t know where to start.  
EB: rose where should i start?  
TT: Try the beginning.  
EB: the beginning. okay.  
EB: well, i was taking a walk, because the walls were doing the closey thingy that they’ve sort of been doing lately.  
EB: and then i saw these guys.  
GG: oh no D:  
EB: and at first i was going to keep on walking because late at night + three guys = baaad.  
EB: but then i noticed that they were sort of beating somebody up.  
EB: like, really badly.   
EB: so i asked them really politely to leave them the fuck alone.  
EB: good news is they did!  
EB: bad news is they started going after me instead!  
TG: holy shit eb  
EB: so i ran and they caught me and they beat me up.  
GG: oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: are you okay?!?!?!?!?!?!  
TT: Did you need to go to the hospital?  
TG: bro  
TG: tell me  
TG: what they looked like  
TG: so i can hunt them down  
TG: and chop them into little itty bitty strider sized pieces  
TG: and then burn them  
TG: or maybe just burn them  
TG: very slowly  
EB: slow down guys i’m fine!  
EB: and dave no murdering today!  
TG: who said anything about murder  
TG: ill be perfectly fine with torture  
TG: im not picky  
EB: daaave.  
TG: jooohn  
EB: /rolls eyes.  
TT: It would ease my worry greatly if you would tell us how you are, John.  
TT: But no rush.  
EB: i’m really fine.  
EB: i mean i’m bruised to hell and back and it hurts to walk and my face looks a little fucked up.  
EB: but i’m honestly fine.  
EB: a lot less dead than i would be if karkat hadn’t shown up.  
EB: which means not dead at all.  
EB: so, fine!  
GG: karkat????  
EB: uh.  
TT: Ooh.  
TT: And who is this Karkat that you speak of?  
TG: do tell do tell  
EB: he sort of came along and scared off the guys for me?  
EB: and helped me back home.  
EB: and stuff.  
TT: “Stuff.”  
EB: yes.  
EB: that’s what i said.  
TG: oh man  
TG: this is like  
TG: he was your knight in shining armor  
TG: and you were the damsel in distress  
TG: it was him  
TG: tell me you at least got his number dude please  
EB: no!!  
GG: aw why not??  
EB: i don’t even know if he has a phone.  
EB: and even if he did it’s not like i would need it seeing how he’s still here.  
GG: :0 !!!!!!!!!  
TT: *raises eyebrow*  
TG: hahahahahaha  
EB: no guys!!!  
EB: stop it!  
EB: whatever you’re thinking stop it right now!!  
TT: I really don’t see what you thought you had to worry about, John.  
TT: I’m not exactly the pinnacle of a heterosexual lifestyle, myself.  
EB: stooooop!  
EB: it’s really really not what you think.  
EB: and that’s not the part i didn’t think you guys would believe.  
EB: sort of.  
TT: Oh?  
TG: you got beat up playing hero  
TG: got saved by a handsome knight  
TG: he better be handsome btw ill be making sure aint nobody but the best for you john  
TG: who then spent the night at your house  
TG: what else is there  
EB: whoo boy.  
EB: a lot.  
GG: then tell us already!!!!  
GG: youve got me really excited and also anxious!   
EB: ok then.  
EB: i’ll just come out and say it.  
EB: karkat is

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo. --

CG: WHAT THE BULGEBLISTERING FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING.  
TG: what  
EB: oh.  
EB: uh, hi karkat!  
EB: how did you get in here? this is a private memo!  
CG: JOHN.  
CG: I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER EXACTLY WHO I AM AND THEN RE-EVALUATE JUST HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO ASK THAT QUESTION AGAIN.  
EB: oh yeah.  
CG: ALSO I HAVE A COMPUTER IN MY SYLLADEX.  
EB: sylladex?  
EB: what’s a sylladex?  
CG: I KEEP FORGETTING YOU GUYS DON’T HAVE THIS SHIT.  
CG: FUCKING PEONS.  
CG: HOW HAVE YOU EVEN SURVIVED?  
TG: oh man this is great  
TG: i have no idea whats going on but this is great  
CG: YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU.  
TG: rude  
CG: SO, JOHN?  
EB: what?  
CG: SINCE IT APPEARS YOU’VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN, ALLOW ME TO REPHRASE.  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: THE FUCK.  
CG: DO YOU THINK.  
CG: YOU’RE DOING?  
GG: hey dont talk to john like that you jerkbutt!!!! >:(  
CG: I’LL TALK TO HIM HOWEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE.  
CG: NOW ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION, JOHN.  
EB: i was just going to tell them about  
EB: uh.  
CG: ABOUT??  
CG: ABOUT WHAT??  
EB: um.  
EB: shit, i’m sorry. i should have asked you first.  
CG: FUCK YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE.  
EB: so.  
EB: can i tell them?  
CG: PFFT. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.  
CG: I WAS JUST GIVING YOU A HARD TIME.  
EB: bluuh.  
EB: ok so karkat’s the knight of blood.  
GG: WHAT  
TT: That is.  
TG: ok i can see why you thought we wouldnt believe you now  
TG: youre serious though  
TG: that asshole is god  
CG: THIS ASSHOLE IS INDEED THE CREATOR OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING UNIVERSE, YES.  
CG: BOW DOWN AND BE GRATEFUL.  
TT: Somehow I find it amusing that the Knight of Blood would have a pesterchum account.  
CG: I DON’T.  
CG: I HAVE TROLLIAN, WHICH IS A FAR MORE SUPERIOR CHAT CLIENT.  
TT: My point still stands.  
TG: so do i have to worry about you blasting me if i piss you off or something  
TG: because if so then i should just leave now while im ahead  
CG: MY POWERS DON’T WORK LIKE THAT.  
CG: I’M NOT OMNISCIENT OR OMNIPRESENT.  
CG: I’M JUST A REGULAR BASTARD WHO CAN SOMETIMES  
CG: GO INTO PEOPLE’S HEADS.  
CG: I GUESS.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW IT’S HARD TO EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE WHO CAN’T DO IT.  
CG: AND I CAN ALSO MAKE MYSELF LOOK HUMAN.  
EB: wait, you mean you don’t always look like this?  
CG: OF COURSE I FUCKING DON’T, NOOKSTAIN.  
CG: THERE ARE STALKERY AS FUCK PAINTINGS OF US ALL OVER YOUR GOD DAMNED PLANET AND YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU HAVEN’T LOOKED CLOSELY AT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM?  
TT: To be fair, they’re not very detailed.  
TT: You are supposed to be mysterious, all-knowing entities, after all.  
TT: And if what you’ve just supplied in your lack of “all-knowing”ness is indeed true, then who’s to say your physical representations aren’t also inaccurate?  
CG: ...POINT.  
CG: I DUNNO, TAKE A HUMAN, SLAP ON SOME GREY SKIN AND HORNS AND THERE YOU GO.  
CG: NOT FORGETTING THE TEETH.  
CG: LITTLE DETAILS AND SHIT, WHATEVER.  
EB: i knew about the horns already but.  
EB: wow, that sounds kind of...weird.  
CG: HEY. AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN THIS SOFT PINK FLESHY THING.  
CG: IF ONE OF MY FRIENDS TRIED TO SHAKE MY HAND RIGHT NOW I DOUBT I’D GET IT BACK.  
GG: your friends??  
CG: THE OTHERS.  
CG: EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS PANTHEON OF IDIOT NOOKSTAINS.  
CG: I WONDER IF THEY’VE NOTICED I’M GONE YET.  
TA: don’t flatter yourself kk.  
CG: GOD DAMN IT SOLLUX.  
CG: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO STOP HACKING INTO MY SHIT?  
GG: (john who is that??)  
EB: (i don’t know!)  
TA: ii don’t know ii don’t really pay attentiion.  
TA: iit’2 all a background noii2e of whiiniing and complaiiniing.  
TG: (snap)  
CG: YEAH, WELL FUCK YOU TOO, ASSHOLE.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I KNOW YOU DIDN’T BUST IN HERE JUST TO GRACE US WITH YOUR LISPING PRESENCE.  
TA: kn’2 lookiing for you.  
CG: AND?  
TA: and you fucked off wiithout telliing anyone after not leaviing your block for a 2weep and a half.  
TA: there are about thiirty 2cenariios that come two miind before you actually gettiing off your a22.  
TA: mo2t of them iinvolviing you managiing to fuck up and get your2elf hurt 2omehow.  
TA: 2o let me rephra2e.  
TA: kn ii2 LOOKIING for you.  
CG: SHIT.  
CG: DID SHE ASK YOU TO FIND ME?  
TA: no but iit’2 only a matter of tiime.  
TA: and when 2he doe2 2he’2 gonna be pii22ed.  
CG: COULD YOU TRY HOLDING HER OFF FOR ME THEN?  
CG: AT LEAST UNTIL I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET BACK.  
TA: you mean you don’t  
TA: gdii kk.  
TA: iimagiine me 2iighiing really hard riight now.  
CG: HAVE YOU TRIED IT BEFORE?  
CG: I DIDN’T FUCKING THINK SO.  
CG: SO DON’T YOU EVEN TRY TO TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW.  
TA: then ii gue22 you won’t miind iif ii let 2ome coordiinate2 2liip the next tiime ii 2ee kn.  
CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!!  
CG: IF YOU EVEN   
CG: WAIT FUCK HOLD ON.  
TA: no come on you were about two go on a roll.  
TA: whatever.  
TA: tell hiim he doe2n’t have two worry about anythiing.  
TT: I assume you mean one of us.  
TA: who the fuck el2e would ii be talkiing two?  
TA: later lo2er2.  
GG: um... 0.0  
TG: wow okay so im gonna assume that that was one of the other ones  
TT: Quite.  
EB: i wonder where karkat went.  
EB: should i check up on him?  
TG: nah just wait for him  
TG: but how weird is it though  
TG: i never thought even once i would ever get to talk personally to one of these guys  
TG: like  
TG: idk i never really believed in them but i never didnt believe in them either  
TG: they were just sort of there  
TT: And now we have proof.  
TT: I agree, it is rather strange.  
GG: and youve seen one in person john!!  
GG: what does he look like????  
EB: normal i guess?  
EB: and i didn’t notice at first but he has red eyes, just like you, dave!  
TG: huh  
EB: he said he’s 16 but then he said “i think” so that’s up for debate.  
TT: I wonder if he meant physically or chronologically.  
TT: Seeing as how Godtierism has been practiced for thousands of years, not sixteen.  
CG: IT MEANS I’VE BEEN ALIVE FOR SIXTEEN OF YOUR MISERABLE EARTH YEARS.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS FOR THE CHRONOLOGY OF YOUR HISTORY. TIME WAS RELATIVE AND SORT OF OBSOLETE WHERE WE CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE.  
TT: Interesting.  
EB: where did you go karkat?  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: NOWHERE.  
CG: THERE WAS A GUY WITH BOMBS STRAPPED TO HIS CHEST AT A SCHOOL AND I HAD TO CONVINCE HIM THAT WASN’T A GOOD FUCKING IDEA.  
GG: holy fuck!!!  
GG: are they okay????  
CG: FUCKING DANDY.  
CG: NO ONE GOT HURT, THANK FUCKING GOD.  
TG: you keep saying that  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: thank god  
TG: i swear to god  
TG: god damn  
TG: but like  
TG: arent you god  
CG: IT’S A FUCKING SAYING, WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
CG: I’M NOT GOING TO STOP USING IT JUST BECAUSE YOUR PUNITIVE MIND CAN’T HANDLE THE ENIGMA.  
TT: If I may ask a question.  
CG: GO AHEAD.  
TT: There’s one thing I - and countless others, no doubt - have wondered for years.  
TT: It’s something that has continued to puzzle me for a long while.  
TT: You are a God. You created this universe.  
TT: But, who created you?  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.  
CG: PROBABLY SOME OTHER ASSHOLE JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE.  
TT: Survive?  
CG: YOU THINK WE MADE YOUR UNIVERSE SPECIAL?  
CG: WELL YOU HAVE SOMETHING COMING FOR YOU.  
CG: ME AND MY FRIENDS WERE PERFECTLY NORMAL TROLLS UNTIL WE FOUND THAT FUCKING GAME.  
CG: NORMAL BEING A RELATIVE TERM HERE, BUT WHAT THE FUCK EVER.  
CG: IF WE DIDN’T PLAY WE DIED, PERMANENTLY.  
CG: THE ONLY REASON YOUR UNIVERSE GOT CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY WAY FOR US TO CONTINUE EXISTING.  
CG: ALL WRAPPED UP IN FLOWERY POETRY AND ADVERTISED AS SOME BIG REWARD TO THIS GRAND NEW UNIVERSE THAT WE KNEW JACK SHIT ABOUT, AS IF IT COULD REPLACE THE UNIVERSE WE LOST.  
CG: SO YEAH.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK CREATED MY UNIVERSE BEYOND THE FACT THAT THEY WERE PROBABLY JUST AS PISSED OVER THE WHOLE THING AS I AM.  
TG: did you say trolls  
CG: REALLY?  
CG: OUT OF THAT WHOLE THING, THAT ONE WORD IS WHAT YOU GOT OUT OF THAT? THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?  
TG: shrug  
TT: Do you mean to say that you created us on accident?  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU FIGURED IT OUT, YOU WIN THE PRIZE OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  
CG: IF ANYONE WAS ACTUALLY IN CHARGE OF CREATING THIS UNIVERSE IT WAS KANAYA.  
CG: THE SYLPH.  
CG: SHE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO COLLECT ALL THE FROGS AND WORK THE FORGE TO MAKE THE CODE.  
CG: I THINK.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW HOW THAT SHIT WORKED.  
TT: Interesting.  
TT: I wonder how people would react if this information were to be made public.  
TT: You’re certainly not envisioned to have such a particular way of speaking, at least.  
CG: LIKE I GIVE A BULGEGARGLING FUCK WHAT ANYONE THINKS.  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK DID SOLLUX GO?  
TT: They asked me to tell you “he doe2n’t have two worry about anythiing”.  
GG: and then they left :/  
CG: AS IF THAT FUCKING HELPS.  
CG: WHATEVER HE DOES NOW THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.  
TT: This has been a very enlightening conversation, and I have much to think about.  
TT: But I have other things I have to attend to.  
TT: Are we still on for later, John?  
EB: yeah!  
TG: sweet  
GG: we will see you later then rose!!!

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo. --

GG: i have to go too john :(  
GG: bec is hungry and when he gets hungry hes really impatient!!  
EB: ok.  
EB: are you still coming over?  
GG: yep!! :)  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?  
EB: we made plans for us to hang out at my house today.  
EB: do you mind?  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CARE?  
GG: good!  
GG: even if you didn’t i would still be coming over  
GG: you may be a god but i will not let you get in the way of my plans mister!!!  
TG: you said it gg  
CG: FINE BY ME.  
CG: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.  
CG: DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO?  
GG: oh shoot, bec! D:  
GG: bye guys!!!  
EB: bye.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased responding to memo. --

TG: i have to admit im looking forward to seeing what you look like dude  
CG: WHY?  
TG: hello  
TG: youre one of the twelve gods of our universe of course im gonna be curious  
TG: plus i have to make sure you hold up to standards  
CG: STANDARDS.  
TG: yeah  
TG: it wouldnt do to let you and john get hitched without my blessing  
CG: WHAT.  
EB: noooo stooop  
CG: WHAT IS THIS FESTERING BULLSHIT THAT IS APPEARING ON MY SCREEN.  
EB: karkat he’s just teasing.  
EB: he doesn’t mean it.  
EB: right, dave? >:l  
TG: what do you mean eb  
TG: of course i mean it  
TG: i wouldnt be joking about something that means so much to me  
TG: i only want the best for my john  
TG: and you do realize my knight in shining armor metaphor has even more credit now right  
TG: you go eb  
TG: master of seduction you  
TG: even god wants a piece of that ass  
EB: dAVE  
CG: HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK THAT’S ACTUALLY SOMETHING YOU JUST SAID RIGHT NOW.  
CG: SDFJKL;SDFJKL;SDFJK  
CG: I AM DONE.  
CG: FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo. --

EB: dave if you broke him i’m going to yell at you.  
TG: but notice how he didnt deny it  
TG: denying was not a thing that happened there  
EB: probably because you flustered him so bad!  
TG: and why was he flustered   
TG: why would he feel so flustered if i only spoke lies  
TG: because there are no lies here  
TG: tell me egbert  
TG: do he got the booty  
TG: do you want to touch the butt  
EB: ...   
EB: ...he do.  
EB: and i can appreciate the aesthetics of the butt without being into him!!  
TG: well see egbert  
TG: he has yet to pass the strider butt test  
TG: well see  
EB: uuggh i’ll see you later dave.  
TG: remember to practice safe sex  
EB: oh my god i hate you.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo. --

TG: if he says the condom doesnt fit then you run  
TG: you run very far

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from responding to memo. --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] closed memo. --

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, John. Of course things go wrong. (And by wrong I mean right. Very, very right >;) ) 
> 
> In case you can't tell i'm aiming to head this off in a vaguely JohnKat direction. Idk how long it will take to get there. Idk how prominently it will feature. I'm just rolling with it yo.


End file.
